Musings of a musician as she waits for her wings to emerge...
So, i went out and conquered a fear yesterday, yes i did. i’ve been somewhat in hiding for a little bit. i’m generally a very honest person that is sure about things and knows what i want (of course i am, i’m an aries!). But all of a sudden i feel like i don’t know who i am anymore, and (on top of that) what i’m to present to the world as a musician. i thought i had it all figured out a few years back, that i knew who i was and where i was going. but now i can only wonder.
the thing is, i did know who i was back then. and i did know where i was going. this all emerged when 7 years back, my life turned upside down and i didn’t know who i was anymore. but i kept following my heart and my music and it turned out to be an essential growing period that lead me to the sure-of-myself me. i was pleased with the butterfly i turned into, and my “Child in Me” album that was birthed (and all the things that were let go of!). and that was perfectly perfect for then, but this is now.
now what i gather from this period of feeling a little lost is that i’m going through another transformation of sorts. and i can only patiently wait for the new me to emerge, as SCARY and uncomfortable as it is. however i do know what i can do right now is to rely on my gut. for i don’t currently have a strong sense in my head, of what it is that i’m supposed to be doing.
this sense of confusion tends to come about during, or as a result of a big life change most of the time. the last time it did, and this time i did go through big life changes as well. my album was finished and i thought, now what? after letting myself go through the melancholy that sometimes accompanies change, i am now on a path to following my gut.
my gut told me to pursue a more spiritual life through meditating and even healthier pursuits. that’s been incorporated into my life. my gut told me i wanted to finally get married. i got married. it’s a bit exciting because all these actions i’m taking now, are contributing and playing a key role in the new me that is emerging.
so, back to what i said in the first sentence, talk about going on tangents! i conquered a fear. i haven’t performed in a little while, and was invited to sing at an all female singer/songwriters circle yesterday. my first impulse was to make excuses of why i couldn’t do it. but i knew in my gut that i would be very unhappy with myself if i didn’t. so i followed my inner heart and had a rewarding night of music that left my soul dancing. could i have performed better? yes! but will i dwell on that? no! i will be kind and gentle to myself as i find my way to the new me. and you know what, i am excited to see what’s in store. it’s all exciting isn’t it? the path our lives take us on. so many up and downs, but so worth it in the end.
go Kiyomi! this was surely an outstanding show of females, and music